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Battle Royale: Sad Kitty vs. Dirty Kitchen

February 2nd, 2010 3 comments

When not neglecting my blog, I work in operations for an art gallery. That’s a fancy way of saying I’m the office manager, which is a fancy way of saying I need to make sure our half-dozen kitchens (seriously – there are six of them) stay clean. It’s an awesome job.

Lately my co-workers, in what I can only assume is a cooperative effort to make my job more interesting, have been making a real mess of our tiniest kitchen. I reacted to this professional challenge the same way I do to most of life’s little problems, which is to say:

  1. I stomped around and held my breath until I passed out.
  2. I woke up and had myself a good cry.
  3. I fought back with clip art.

And after carefully employing the highly sophisticated work habits detailed above, I am now the proud owner of this little beauty:

Effective, no? I know that you, dear reader, would never leave a dirty mug in a sink with that pathetic looking cat posted nearby. Unfortunately, my boss thought this might be a little too silly and that it would only ensure that my coworkers have themselves a nice chuckle while they pile more dishes in the sink.

I respect my boss’ authority, and have resigned myself to the fact that Sad Kitty will never grace the wall of my office kitchen. But you know what? I’m the boss of this blog, and I say Sad Kitty rules! I don’t ask for much, readers, but I’m asking you to send this image to your respective office managers and get them to put it up in your office kitchen. Send it to your friends and tell them to do the same. Hang it up in your apartment: Sad Kitty works as well on roomates as it does coworkers. Together you and I are going to conquer America’s kitchens, one kitten tear at a time.

And please, PLEASE, if you do hang up Sad Kitty, take a photo and send it to sadkitty@threelittlefonzies.com. Little things like that make my day, and if I get enough of them, I’ll post a gallery of the many places Sad Kitty has been.

Terrible TV Show. Awesome Street Name.

January 31st, 2010 No comments

I was driving in Pleasantville, NY today and passed a sign for Coprock Road. Awesome. I can only hope that this is the start of a new trend: naming streets after ridiculously terrible TV shows from the 80’s. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that one day I’ll own a home at 227 Airwolf Drive (at the corner of Simon & Simon Boulevard). Dare to dream.

Introducing the Subby Awards!

October 15th, 2009 No comments

I live and work in New York City, so I spend at least an hour every day in some part of the subway system. And as anybody who’s been to New York can tell you, there are some things you only see in the subway…or at least there are some things you only see in the subway if you don’t belong to some wierdo cult. Either way, for a blogger who writes about things that are cool not to take advantage of the treasure trove of awesome source material that I encounter regularly on the A train would be a travesty.

Of course, I could just write about the amazing things I encounter riding the rails and call it a day. But the way I see it, New York’s freaky subway encounters are better than all other freaky subway encounters, so I’m going to show some hometown pride and hand out some awards. I’ll always include photographic evidence of just what makes a Subby winner so grand. (I mean, let’s face it, this whole thing is pretty much just an excuse to put up some wacky photos and comment on them.) And I’d like to see this turn into an interactive thing, so if you see something truly amazing on the subway, snap a picture and email it to me. I’ll be sure to give you credit for your Subby nomination and photo.

So, without further ado, I am pleased to bring you the first ever Subby award, courtesy of my local A train stop at 181st Street:

Best Use of Googly Eyes in Support of Vandalism

Best Use of Googly Eyes in Support of Vandalism

This video game looks like it could be quite good, but its subway ad is a little scary for general audiences. Thankfully some industrious young ne’er-do-well added fun stick-on googly eyes, and maybe now it won’t give the kiddies in my ‘hood nightmares. If only knife-wielding assailants were this hilarious in real life.

On Surprise Marriage Perks or My Wife the Road Rage Surrogate

August 26th, 2009 1 comment
Leslie Gives You the Wrong Finger

Yes, my wife actually (reluctantly) consented to me posting this photo of her not quite flipping the bird. Now that's love.

For better or worse? Check. Richer or poorer? Ditto. Sickness and/or health? Yeah, we’ve pretty much got that one down, too. These are basic tenets of marriage as most of us were raised to understand the institution. But in the nearly three years I’ve counted myself among the blissfully wed, I’ve occasionally encountered instances of my wife providing spousal benefits so completely unexpected and delightful that I’m left slack-jawed with gratitude and admiration. I’m sure I can’t be the only one. These rare and glorious moments catch you off-guard and remind you exactly why you chose the person you did to be your spouse. A shining example of this marital phenomenon occurs when Leslie and I are out taking a drive and and somebody cuts us off.

Now I’ve seen enough situation comedies to know how this scenario is supposed to work: Driver X swerves into my lane, causing me to slam on the brakes, blow a gasket and commence with the screaming, arm-flailing and general ballyhoo over the indignation perpetrated against me – nay, against all mankind – by Driver X. My wife sighs and rolls her eyes, and in the sitcom version of this scene, one of the sickeningly-cute kids in the back seat lets out a catch-phrase to the delight of the live studio audience (“There he goes again!” “Hahahahahaha.”). Cut to commercial…hey, it’s another one for Geico!

But in the real-life version, before I can even let the first two letters of a four-letter word out, let alone perform the necessary maneuvering to get a good arm flail on at 65mph, Leslie lets loose with a heart-warmingly venomous string of profanity that would make a sailor blush…but somehow it’s cute. Some wives cook big meals to show they care – and don’t get me wrong, Leslie is a terrific chef – but somehow I feel most loved by her when watching her shout obscenities at strangers on my behalf. I’m a lucky guy!

The effect of Leslie’s road rage surrogacy is threefold:

  1. She relieves my stress over Driver X’s terrible driving by channeling and releasing my road rage out the passenger-side window. Did you ever see The Green Mile, where Michael Clarke Duncan absorbed people’s diseases and coughed them up as a bunch of moth-looking things? It’s sorta like that, but with less magic and more f-bombs.
  2. Assuming I still have any hatred of my own to vent after she’s done, those feelings are instantly replaced by a crippling fear that I’m going to get my ass kicked by Driver X if he hears even half of the stuff Leslie said about him. I’ve had my life threatened by a crazy person at a red light before. I don’t need to relive the experience.
  3. Even if those first two effects don’t quell my anger, the sight of Leslie giving Driver X the finger surely will. For whatever reason, when Leslie’s really angry, she’s incapable of raising the correct finger; usually she puts up her ring finger. Watching Leslie make almost-obscene gestures at passing motorists really tickles my funny bone. By the time I stop laughing, I’m not angry anymore and Driver X is busy cutting people off 10 car lengths ahead of me. Crisis averted.

All of this is to say: I love you, Leslie, and thanks for doing your part to keep us safe on the highways. I raise my ring finger to you.

Hooray for Clever Chalk Signs!

August 17th, 2009 No comments

Next Door One of my favorite restaurants in Washington Heights is Next Door, a small and friendly sushi place with a menu that goes beyond just sushi and/or Japanese food – their roasted chicken wrap is delicious, and their brunch menu features no sushi at all. Now a restaurant that serves good food, while admirable, is not necessarily worth blogging about. However, some industrious Next Door employee takes it upon him or herself to come up with a clever little bit of chalky goodness each day for the sandwich board sign in front of the restaurant that elevates Next Door above the fray.

See the photo at right for the sign that prompted me to write this post…usually speaking I’d be tempted to decry poking fun at a couple going through a messy divorce as despicably uncool, but the sign doesn’t specifically mention the divorce, and besides, we all know that people on reality shows don’t have feelings. And for the record, the whole Jon & Kate thing is annoying – I’ve never even seen that show and yet I understood this sign’s joke right away. It’s not fair. I watched the entire first season of Fringe and I’m still not sure I understand anything about that show. What gives?

So to conclude: keep up the good work, Next Door sign-maker! You and I both know that the secret ingredients that make my teryaki beef roll so tasty are your razor-sharp wit and expert chalk-handling. They go so well with wasabi.