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Short Hiatus…Need a Good Brick?

April 27th, 2010 No comments

Hi Readers,

There are only so many hours in the day, and between work and home, I can only devote so much time to churning out life-changing blog posts. The bad news is that I’m going to take about a month or so off from writing new posts on Three Little Fonzies. The good news is twofold:

  1. I’ve gone a straight month before without any new posts, so you are well conditioned for this self-imposed hiatus.
  2. You can help ease your TLF withdrawal by reading posts and watching videos at Brick is the New Black, my most recent interweb-type project.

See, I’ve been completely captivated by Ogilvy’s Search for the World’s Greatest Salesperson, and since there’s a free trip to Cannes hanging in the balance, I have to make the tough choice and focus all my efforts on one project. To be fair, if one of my loyal TLF readers is willing to send me to Cannes, I might just abandon the whole Brick thing and write some fantastic posts from the South of France. Just something to keep in mind.

I really do hope that you will check out what’s going on over at Brick is the New Black. You can also check out the project videos on YouTube, follow @buythisbrick on Twitter, or become a fan of the site on Facebook. And I promise, if the plan works and I end up going to Cannes, I’ll start up on Three Little Fonzies again in a big way – from France!

Conan on TBS: I Called It!

April 13th, 2010 No comments

Not to brag, but this blog is the best there is, and I’m possibly psychic. If you will recall, when I declared Conan O’Brien Fonzie of the Week #18, I made the following observation:

The only question now seems to be which network will host CoCo’s triumphant return. FOX seems to be in the lead, if the rumors are to be believed, but I think that Conan might be best served by a cable network where he’ll have fewer restraints placed on him by the FCC. Sure, Jon Stewart never had as big an audience as Leno or Letterman, but it’s easy to make the case that he’s made a bigger impact on American culture, even with his smaller platform. The history books will elevate him higher than any Nielsen ratings ever could. Conan is great on network TV…how much greater could he be minus the red tape that comes with a broadcast network? It’s a question worth asking.

I wrote that post 3 months ago. So given yesterday’s announcement that Conan O’Brien’s new TV show will appear on TBS, I can only come to one of two conclusions:

A) I have the mystical ability to divine the future through my blogging. Just in case that’s true: I have a funny feeling I’m going to win the lottery next week. And also, I won’t ever go bald.

or

B) Conan O’Brien is secretly a big fan of the blog, and follows my every command. Just in case that’s true: I have a funny feeling Conan O’Brien is going to give me a kick-ass high-paying job on his new show. And also, I won’t ever go bald. (You can’t be too careful when it comes to losing your hair.)

Either way, it’s a very good day for Three Little Fonzies. And a good day for TV. I look forward to seeing your new show, Conan!

Faster Than TiVo. Cheaper, Too!

March 9th, 2010 No comments

Wow. I haven’t written anything on the blog in a long time. Yikes. Sorry, readers! The good news is that there will be a new Fonzie this week. Still, it’s worth noting that by default, Kung-Fu Jesus was Fonzie of the Week for a straight month. He also brought more traffic to the site than usual, because I got linked to from the Fight Pastor website. (Welcome, fightin’ Christians! Please don’t beat me up.) Even better, since I don’t really go to church anymore, I’m hoping that Jesus’ long-running Fonziehood will help tip the “don’t get struck by lighting” scale back to center. I’ll keep you posted.

But let me get to the point, which if you read this post’s title, should have something to do with TiVo. I don’t own a TiVo, but if I did, there’s a good chance that there’s be a stack of 24 episodes recorded on it. Earlier today, a college pal of mine mentioned on Facebook that he had many episodes of that show waiting for him on his TiVo. He was a little intimidated by the many hours it would take to get caught up, so I drew from my experience watching every season of 24 so far, and whipped up a handy little script to catch him up more quickly. The best part is that this script will work for any season of 24! (I love the show and all, but let’s face it, the different seasons are pretty much interchangable.)

I found myself decently amused by this little writing exercise, and considering the fact that I’ve been mercilessly neglecting the blog, I thought I’d turn my Facebook comment into a blog post. So, without further ado, please enjoy what I feel is a pretty darn good 24 primer. You’re welcome, TV viewers.

Keifer Sutherland: The following takes place between XX and XX. Events occur in real time.

President Whoever: Oh, no! The terrorists have got the bomb!

Jack Bauer: I know what to do.

Douchebag CTU Boss: With all due respect, Mr. Bauer, I’m not going to do what you say.

Chloe: [rolls eyes and makes huffing sounds]

Hot Young Female CTU Agent: I’ve got emotional problems.

Hot Young Male CTU Agent: I find that very attractive. Let’s stop saving the world and go make out.

Hot Young Female CTU Agent: Sounds good. By the way, I’m a double agent.

Kim Bauer (who apparently has been standing there all along): Wait…I’m still alive? Now that doesn’t seem likely.
Seriously, there is no way Kim would still be alive by now. This is what happens when she tries to blow her nose. She’s the most dangerous W.M.D. the show has ever featured.

[at this point, the real bad guys – who are not the guys you thought were the bad guys – blow something up…let’s say the CTU headquarters. Jack captures one and begins interrogating him.]

Terrorist: I’ll never talk.

Jack Bauer: That’s fair. While you do that, I’m going to go cut off your kid’s medulla oblongata.

Terrorist: Really? That’s badass. Okay, you win. The next target is…

[the terrorist is killed by the hot young female CTU agent]

Jack: DAMMIT!

[digital clock ends the hour]

Not bad, right? I look foward to receiving offers for writing next season. Clearly I’m qualified. Talk to you soon, Fox!

@dogmonologue: Twitter is Finally Worth It

February 4th, 2010 No comments

Breaking News: my dog is awesome.

Were she able to speak, I’m certain Nellie would have amazing things to say. And now, thanks to the magical gnomes at the center of the earth who run the internet, she can. That’s right, my dog has a Twitter account. I’d suggest you call your stockbroker right now, because there’s no way technology could ever surpass the greatness of @dogmonologue. It’s all downhill from here, man. Sell now before word spreads and tech stocks plummet worldwide. You’ve been warned.

Who Are the People in Your Neighborhood?

February 3rd, 2010 1 comment

My neighborhood isn’t perfect, but it’s home. And every now and then I get a reminder of why any neighborhood is great – the people who live there. Case in point:

This is an actual note I found taped to a streetside mailbox up the block from my apartment building (numbers blurred digitally to avoid pissing off whoever wrote it). At first, seeing this gave me a nice big dose of the warm fuzzies because somebody was nice enough to help a neighbor find their lost “I [heart] NY” shirt. You can’t get those just anywhere, you know!

Upon further reflection, however, I’m sort of confused, and a little worried for the welfare of whoever tries to retrieve this particular shirt. Here’s my thinking on this:

  • This note was taped to a mailbox, not a dryer. The shirt was found in a dryer, right? And this mailbox isn’t even remotely close to a laundromat.
  • What exactly has the note-writer been doing with this shirt for the last month? Lost clothing is like dropped candy: some sort of “five second rule” really must be put into action. Otherwise you’re draping yourself in a month’s worth of creepy neighbor mystery. And that’s tough to wash out, friends.
  • People who freely post their phone numbers in public scare me. Call me crazy, but I still can’t listen to “867-5309/Jenny” without getting a serious case of the heebie-jeebies.

And yet, I love my neighborhood. It’s a wonderful place to live. I just need to make sure I don’t leave anything in the dryer.