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Faster Than TiVo. Cheaper, Too!

March 9th, 2010 No comments
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Wow. I haven’t written anything on the blog in a long time. Yikes. Sorry, readers! The good news is that there will be a new Fonzie this week. Still, it’s worth noting that by default, Kung-Fu Jesus was Fonzie of the Week for a straight month. He also brought more traffic to the site than usual, because I got linked to from the Fight Pastor website. (Welcome, fightin’ Christians! Please don’t beat me up.) Even better, since I don’t really go to church anymore, I’m hoping that Jesus’ long-running Fonziehood will help tip the “don’t get struck by lighting” scale back to center. I’ll keep you posted.

But let me get to the point, which if you read this post’s title, should have something to do with TiVo. I don’t own a TiVo, but if I did, there’s a good chance that there’s be a stack of 24 episodes recorded on it. Earlier today, a college pal of mine mentioned on Facebook that he had many episodes of that show waiting for him on his TiVo. He was a little intimidated by the many hours it would take to get caught up, so I drew from my experience watching every season of 24 so far, and whipped up a handy little script to catch him up more quickly. The best part is that this script will work for any season of 24! (I love the show and all, but let’s face it, the different seasons are pretty much interchangable.)

I found myself decently amused by this little writing exercise, and considering the fact that I’ve been mercilessly neglecting the blog, I thought I’d turn my Facebook comment into a blog post. So, without further ado, please enjoy what I feel is a pretty darn good 24 primer. You’re welcome, TV viewers.

Keifer Sutherland: The following takes place between XX and XX. Events occur in real time.

President Whoever: Oh, no! The terrorists have got the bomb!

Jack Bauer: I know what to do.

Douchebag CTU Boss: With all due respect, Mr. Bauer, I’m not going to do what you say.

Chloe: [rolls eyes and makes huffing sounds]

Hot Young Female CTU Agent: I’ve got emotional problems.

Hot Young Male CTU Agent: I find that very attractive. Let’s stop saving the world and go make out.

Hot Young Female CTU Agent: Sounds good. By the way, I’m a double agent.

Kim Bauer (who apparently has been standing there all along): Wait…I’m still alive? Now that doesn’t seem likely.
Seriously, there is no way Kim would still be alive by now. This is what happens when she tries to blow her nose. She’s the most dangerous W.M.D. the show has ever featured.

[at this point, the real bad guys – who are not the guys you thought were the bad guys – blow something up…let’s say the CTU headquarters. Jack captures one and begins interrogating him.]

Terrorist: I’ll never talk.

Jack Bauer: That’s fair. While you do that, I’m going to go cut off your kid’s medulla oblongata.

Terrorist: Really? That’s badass. Okay, you win. The next target is…

[the terrorist is killed by the hot young female CTU agent]

Jack: DAMMIT!

[digital clock ends the hour]

Not bad, right? I look foward to receiving offers for writing next season. Clearly I’m qualified. Talk to you soon, Fox!

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