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Fonzie of the Week #22: A Google Search for “Joe Biden”

March 28th, 2010 No comments

I found myself in quite a pickle when it came time to select this week’s Fonzie. Originally, I was going to bestow the honor on Google for standing up to China and finally ceasing to censor its search results to the world’s most populous country. It made sense. But then Vice President Joe Biden decided to one-up Rahm “Undersecretary of Go Fuck Yourself” Emanuel and let fly with the dirty words on live TV. In case you haven’t heard yet, Vice President Biden thought that passing the health care bill was a “big fucking deal.” I couldn’t agree more. What’s more, Biden thought he’d share this profound insight with President Obama on live TV. In front of a bank of microphones. In a room full of reporters. Hilarious, but also troubling, because how can I in good conscience not award our illustrious Vice President Fonzie of the Week after this latest spectacle? Even by Joe Biden standards, this is pretty ridonculous.

Fortunately, the creepy internet magic that allows Google to know what I want to search for before I do saved the day, and taught me that the solution was compromise: Google isn’t Fonzie of the Week, and neither is Joe Biden. A Google Search for “Joe Biden,” on the other hand, is Fonzie of the Week, because said search netted me some amazing results earlier this week. If you will look at the photo at the top of this post – a screenshot I took myself – you’ll see that searching for even a portion of Joe Biden’s name brought recommendations both unexpected and yet somehow totally expected. Google guessed (and correctly!) that I was more interested in Joe’s “f bomb” than I was in the man himself. Brilliant.

But if I may get serious for a moment, I actually think that Google and Vice President Biden shed light on a common theme this week, albeit in vastly different ways: freedom of expression. True, Google defended freedom of expression in a much classier way, but our esteemed Vice President also struck a blow for the first amendment – and in a way that probably means a lot more to your average smartass 17-year-old. And think: a bunch of those smartasses are going to be 18-year-old potential voters come November, who might just think fondly on Crazy Uncle Joe and vote Democrat, preserving the majority and possibly giving heath care reform a fighting chance at lasting more than a few months. Ah, Mr. Vice President: your secret plan is genius. I salute you.

Sadly, as I prepare to publish this post, searching for Joe Biden on Google brings less awesome and more predictable suggestions: first on the list is Mr. Biden himself, with his forehead jumping ahead 2 spots, from 5th to 3rd. And it seems that this most recent gaffe, like Google’s presence in China, is beginning its speedy descent into barely-remembered internet history. But I’m proud to say I was there, and that my blog will remember, the day that A Google Search for “Joe Biden” achieved its full potential. And that’s a big fucking deal.

Fonzie of the Week #21: Adam Richman, Host of Man vs. Food

March 12th, 2010 113 comments

Let’s get the basics out of the way, Adam Richman, host of Man vs. Food is the Fonzie of the Week. Why? Because Man vs. Food is probably my favorite show that doesn’t feature nerd-slash-super spies, creepy magical islands or Kiefer Sutherland breaking the Geneva Convention. The show usually follows a simple formula: 20 minutes of Mr. Richman salivating over and/or sampling the most awesomely delicious pig-out foods a single city has to offer, followed by 10 minutes of him attempting an “eating challenge” that involves enough food to feed a large village for a week, or enough atomic heat to power a small city for a day…and sometimes both. Make no mistake, Man vs. Food is why the terrorists hate us. It’s not to be missed, readers.

But really, Mr. Richman is Fonzie of the Week because I think he should be my new best friend, and I’m going to blog that impossible dream into reality. Actually, I’m not even going to call him Mr. Richman anymore – best friends don’t use last names. So, Adam, if you’ll allow me, I’d like to make the case for us becoming best buddies. I think you’ll agree it only makes sense. Here goes:

  1. We have similar backgrounds: Adam has a master’s degree from the Yale School of Drama. I have a bachelor’s degree in Theatre from Penn State. True, his theatrical schoolin’ is way more impressive than mine, but that’s okay by me: we have documented proof that he can eat more impressively than me, too. Every hero needs a sidekick, and I’m willing to play second fiddle. Think it over, Adam.
  2. I don’t judge – I keep pace! Let’s face it, Adam basically gets paid to eat tangible years off of his lifespan. The gastronomical feats of strength exhibited on his TV show are not for the faint of heart. They’re not for the strong of heart, either. In fact, they’re generally bad news for anybody who possesses a heart. And still, I’m yet to watch an episode and not think “I’d like to try that.” Eating pounds of food at a time is more fun with a friend, and I’m most definitely applying for the job.
  3. I can make Man vs. Food better: In the episode set in Philadelphia, Adam participated in a cheesesteak-eating challenge with Tony Luke, of Tony Luke’s. And with all due respect to Tony Luke, Jr., who makes a fine steak (and an appreciation that the Travel Channel ventured beyond 9th and Passyunnk), I could have told Adam that the best steaks in the city are actually found at Sonny’s Famous Steaks. And back when I lived in Philly, I was neighbors with its owners! I could’ve set up an awesome challenge for him at a superior cheesesteak joint. And I also would have saved him from putting American cheese on his steak. Yuck. I don’t mind that he passed on the Cheez Whiz (I’m a provolone man), but American cheese on a steak is just plain wrong. I’d be the best thing to happen to that show since Prilosec.
  4. I know CPR. It’s worth noting, since our friendship will be at least partly built on a solid foundation of overeating to crazy extremes. It’s really not really a question of if I’ll need to resuscitate: it’s a question of when I’ll need to resuscitate. I’ll also keep plenty of antacid handy. I’m thoughtful like that.

So, Adam, I think it’s clear what needs to happen here. I look forward to taking up residence on your speed-dial. I know you’ve got lots of friends, but can any of them say they’ve named you “Fonzie” on a blog that has tens – nay, dozens! – of readers? I didn’t think so. Save me a spot at the counter, good buddy. I’ll bring the napkins.

Faster Than TiVo. Cheaper, Too!

March 9th, 2010 No comments

Wow. I haven’t written anything on the blog in a long time. Yikes. Sorry, readers! The good news is that there will be a new Fonzie this week. Still, it’s worth noting that by default, Kung-Fu Jesus was Fonzie of the Week for a straight month. He also brought more traffic to the site than usual, because I got linked to from the Fight Pastor website. (Welcome, fightin’ Christians! Please don’t beat me up.) Even better, since I don’t really go to church anymore, I’m hoping that Jesus’ long-running Fonziehood will help tip the “don’t get struck by lighting” scale back to center. I’ll keep you posted.

But let me get to the point, which if you read this post’s title, should have something to do with TiVo. I don’t own a TiVo, but if I did, there’s a good chance that there’s be a stack of 24 episodes recorded on it. Earlier today, a college pal of mine mentioned on Facebook that he had many episodes of that show waiting for him on his TiVo. He was a little intimidated by the many hours it would take to get caught up, so I drew from my experience watching every season of 24 so far, and whipped up a handy little script to catch him up more quickly. The best part is that this script will work for any season of 24! (I love the show and all, but let’s face it, the different seasons are pretty much interchangable.)

I found myself decently amused by this little writing exercise, and considering the fact that I’ve been mercilessly neglecting the blog, I thought I’d turn my Facebook comment into a blog post. So, without further ado, please enjoy what I feel is a pretty darn good 24 primer. You’re welcome, TV viewers.

Keifer Sutherland: The following takes place between XX and XX. Events occur in real time.

President Whoever: Oh, no! The terrorists have got the bomb!

Jack Bauer: I know what to do.

Douchebag CTU Boss: With all due respect, Mr. Bauer, I’m not going to do what you say.

Chloe: [rolls eyes and makes huffing sounds]

Hot Young Female CTU Agent: I’ve got emotional problems.

Hot Young Male CTU Agent: I find that very attractive. Let’s stop saving the world and go make out.

Hot Young Female CTU Agent: Sounds good. By the way, I’m a double agent.

Kim Bauer (who apparently has been standing there all along): Wait…I’m still alive? Now that doesn’t seem likely.
Seriously, there is no way Kim would still be alive by now. This is what happens when she tries to blow her nose. She’s the most dangerous W.M.D. the show has ever featured.

[at this point, the real bad guys – who are not the guys you thought were the bad guys – blow something up…let’s say the CTU headquarters. Jack captures one and begins interrogating him.]

Terrorist: I’ll never talk.

Jack Bauer: That’s fair. While you do that, I’m going to go cut off your kid’s medulla oblongata.

Terrorist: Really? That’s badass. Okay, you win. The next target is…

[the terrorist is killed by the hot young female CTU agent]

Jack: DAMMIT!

[digital clock ends the hour]

Not bad, right? I look foward to receiving offers for writing next season. Clearly I’m qualified. Talk to you soon, Fox!