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Fonzie of the Week #16: People Who Crash Things

December 6th, 2009 No comments
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People Who Crash ThingsI know it’s a few weeks early to be writing a year-end retrospective, but if I don’t act now those “Person of the Year” charlatans over at Time Magazine are going to scoop me, so here goes:

2009 was the year of the crasher. Suck on it, Time.

In recognition of this year’s hot trend, I’m declaring that People Who Crash Things are Fonzie of the Week. And I know what you’re thinking: “Everybody’s already talking about those White House party crashers, Jason. There’s nothing new here. You’re just recycling the news and passing it off as something original. You might as well be Jay Leno.” Ouch. But you’re wrong, dear reader, because this whole crasher thing goes way deeper than that.

It began subtly enough, with a little Canadian squirrel popping up in a honeymoon photo – sneaky, because nobody ever looks to Canada to be the origin of sweeping trends. But take it from me, I’m married to one: Canadians are way craftier than you think. They’re slowly taking over the world, one Tim Hortons donut at a time. You’ll realize I’m right 20 years from now when you’re picking up your grandkids at Curling practice and enjoying cheap prescription meds. And where did it begin? That’s right, with the Crasher Squirrel. He’s the biggest Canadian superstar since Dudley Do-Right. And unlike that goodie-goodie Do-Right, he’s a lovable rogue who doesn’t care whose photos he ruins. What a badass, eh?

But the Crasher Squirrel himself isn’t Fonzie of the Week, he’s just one of many Fonzies who meet this week’s criteria. The last week has been been a great example of how 2009 will be remembered for its many crashers. Obviously, “White House Party Crashers” Tareq and Michaele Salahi come to mind, but how about Tiger Woods? Sure, the infidelity part’s juicy, but let’s not forget how he grabbed the headlines in the first place: crashing his car. The crashing never stops!

Even Tom Brokaw was involved in a crash on the Bruckner Expressway this week. And I couldn’t make this up if I tried: as I write this post, Weezer frontman Rivers Cuomo is recovering in the hospital after his tour bus crashed in upstate New York this morning…after departing from Toronto. The Canadians are at it again! And those are just the newsworthy crashers from the last few days. Here’s a quick list of other notable 2009 crashers you might have forgotten about:

  • Captain C.B. “Sully” Sullenberger kicked off 2009 by crash landing his plane safely in the Hudson after plowing through a flock of Canadian geese…just another example of Canadian animals underhandedly shaping our cultural landscape.
  • Barack Obama pretty much crashed the Nobel Peace Prize. Way to freak out the establishment, Mr. President.
  • Okay, it technically started in 2008, but it bares noting that the U.S. economy crashed big time.
  • Kanye West crashed Taylor Swift’s MTV acceptance speech.
  • Rep. Joe Wilson crashed Obama’s health care speech. No lie.
  • A server crash caused almost all T-Mobile Sidekick users to irrevocably lose their personal data.

So there you have it, folks. Wanna be a Fonzie? Go crash something. But the year’s almost up – don’t dawdle. I have it on good authority that a beaver from Saskatchewan is planning something big for 2010 that’s going to make crashing completely passe. Don’t get left behind.

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