Archive for November, 2009

Fonzie of the Week #15: Turkey!

November 30th, 2009 No comments

Turkey!Okay, to be fair, turkey is really more delicious than cool, but power must be respected, and respect is cool…and I’ll be damned if turkey didn’t wield some extraordinary power over me last week, rendering me incapable of putting up a Fonzie of the Week post. That, and Ben Franklin wanted the turkey to be our national bird. And Ben Franklin discovered electricity with nothing but a kite and a key. He’s like the original MacGyver.

So…turkey is the Fonzie of Last Week. There will be a new Fonzie by week’s end. I’m going to go poke some extra holes in all of my belts now.

Fonzie of the Week #14: Nick Leavens’ Mustache

November 19th, 2009 4 comments

Nick Leavens' MustacheTo know Nick Leavens is to love him, but let’s put that aside for the moment. Cool as he is, he’s not Fonzie of the Week. Nick’s mustache, however, is Fonzie of the Week, because it’s too damn cool to be denied. What did you do last night? Watch a little TV? Get some housework done? Nick’s ‘stache raised money for needy kids. Yeah, that’s right: you just got served by a patch of facial hair, which shall hereafter be known as Leavenstache.

It’s like this: my good buddy Nick is participating in the noble and hilarious Mustaches for Kids, through which brave men (and I suppose women, should they have a background in the circus) shave their faces completely bald and grow mustaches for a period of one month. All the while, you and I give money to our favorite ‘stachionista (Nick), because everybody knows nothing encourages hair growth like tax-deductible charitable contributions – it’s what they use to make Rogaine. At the end of the month, our merry band of mustached heroes gathers to congratulate each other and drink beer. And the money is used to fund teacher-submitted projects that support underfunded New York City public classrooms. Everybody wins! It’s awesome, and you should give money so that Leavenstache can grow big and strong.

You might be thinking, “Why should I give my hard-earned dollars to Nick’s ‘stache? It should earn its money by fighting crime like Magnum P.I.’s mustache did!” But you need to think of the children…and get over your Tom Sellick fetishism. Furthermore, I’m confident that once you know a little more about what a kick-ass world citizen Leavenstache is, you’ll see the light and fork over the cash. To aid in that endeavor, here are some myths and facts about Nick’s ‘stache:

  • MYTH: Nick’s mustache did not kidnap the Lindbergh Baby. That was done by the facial hair of John Roberts, owner of the Bushwick Country Club and Nick’s ‘stache-growing rival.
  • FACT: Leavenstache put the “bomp” in the “bomp bah bomp bah bomp” and the “ram” in the “rama lama ding dong.”
  • FACT: Nine out of ten grandmas (maybe even yours!) think Leavenstache is “quite dapper.” And that tenth one is just a cranky old bitch.
  • MYTH: Leavenstache did not – have – sexual – relations – with that woman.
  • FACT: Just to be clear, though: Leavenstache could totally have had sexual relations with that woman, if it wanted to. It’s one sexy ‘stache.


But enough with the chit-chat already. Why haven’t you made a donation yet? Here’s a link to the donation page. You even get to choose which project your donation goes to – it’s like shopping for happy schoolchildren.

Go Leavenstache!

Fonzie of the Week #13: Violet (She’ll Kick Your Ass)

November 15th, 2009 No comments

Violet (She'll Kick Your Ass) It’s official: I’ve been out-blogged by a toddler.

It’s a curious thing, to know you’ve been bested by a little girl. But a man needs to know his limitations, so I’m not even going to try to win this one. I’m going to take the high road and attempt to learn from what can only be described as a master blogger, to wit, congratulations, Violet! You’re Fonzie of the Week!

Who is Violet, you ask? She’s one bad-ass preschooler who makes no bones about the inescapable fact that she can kick your ass. Need proof? See her blog, the appropriately titled “Violet Will Kick Your Ass.” This tiny titan has only been blogging for two weeks and yet she’s already managed to cite more than half a dozen reasons why she’s my better, including:

You might be tempted to think I’m downtrodden over all of this pint-sized ass-kickery. I’m not, for two reasons: 1) Violet’s insanely cool, and this blog celebrates cool, even if it’s way cooler than me; and 2) I’m gonna ride Violet’s coattails all the way to the bank, baby. Fonzworth Bentley became a minor celebrity by following Puff Daddy around with an umbrella. By that logic, blogging about Violet should at least make me as successful as one of them Backstreet Boys. After all, Violet could totally kick Puffy’s ass. Thanks for the help, Violet. See you on the red carpet!

Fonzie of the Week #12: The Phillie Phanatic

November 5th, 2009 No comments

The Phillie PhanaticI live in New York, but I’m originally from Philly and don’t you forget it. New York is a great town and all, but my heart will always be best served on an Amoroso roll with Cheez Whiz and fried onions. Yet despite my brotherly love for the city that invented the concept, you might be tempted to think that now is the wrong time to make the Phillie Phanatic Fonzie of the Week, given the Phillies’ recent World Series loss. But you’d be wrong. Why? Because there is no wrong time to make the Phillie Phanatic Fonzie of the Week. There’s no wrong time to give this big green galoot any sort of award. That’s how cool he is. Hell, let’s just settle this thing and make him Fonzie of the Millenium. Oh yeah. That just happened. Sound crazy? It is, but it’s still not one-tenth as crazy as anything the Phanatic does. He’s part athlete, part muppet, and he’s all awesome.

A little history: the Phanatic first appeared in 1978 as a replacement for the short-lived “Philadelphia Phil” and “Philadelphia Phyllis,” a couple of big-headed mascots in colonial garb. Phil and Phyllis never stood a chance against the raw charisma of the green guy, but in all fairness, at least they had some relation to the team and/or city. The Phanatic isn’t even from Philadelphia – according to his official MLB bio, he’s from the Galapagos Islands. But there are actors walking around Independence Hall to this very day who could be mistaken for Phil or Phyllis. Conversely, the Phanatic is most likely the product of somebody’s hilarious acid trip, dressed up in a Phillies jersey. Yet from those humble beginnings, the Phanatic has evolved into a Philadelphia institution and unquestionably the greatest mascot in professional sports history.

What I personally love most about the Phanatic is how he simultaneously manages to be 100% family-friendly and disturbingly inappropriate for kids. It’s a rare gift. Take for example his clear sex addiction. The guy kisses everybody – and by kiss I mean inhale through that ginormous snout of his. And the suggestive thrusting of his wonderously large belly is ready for Cinemax. But I dare you not to be charmed by this video of him seducing “Mrs. Phanatic”, despite the obscene grinding and potential sexual assault of the poor girl towards the end. And his song of choice? “Me and Mrs. Jones” by Philadelphia’s own Billy Paul. Smooth.

There’s also the matter of his sometimes violent behavior. Don’t be fooled by the cute exterior. The Phanatic can be a straight-up bully when he needs to. He’s notorious for taunting visiting teams, sometimes injecting himself into their warmups or teasing third-base coaches to the point of getting into physical altercations. He’ll make effigies of visiting players or coaches and run them over with his ATV. He famously did this with a stuffed Tommy Lasorda, eventually prompting Lasorda to chase him out onto the field and attempt to give the Phanatic a thrashing. Lasorda has blogged about it in a post titled “I Hate the Phillie Phanatic.” But like I said, none of this makes him bad for kids. Hell, my own nephew has danced on top of the Phillies dugout with this green hero. You gotta love him!

I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that at the start of the 2009 World Series, certain New York rags took it upon themselves to slander the Phanatic’s good name in a misguided attempt to show Yankee pride. Shame on them. I don’t expect everybody to love the Phillies, and I’m okay with New York papers picking on the team or even its players. But the Phanatic? You only make yourself look ridiculous by bad-mouthing that Fonzie. His cool cannot be questioned. ‘Nuff said.

I’ll end this post by sharing a terrific video produced by Real American Stories all about the Phanatic, and by saying thanks to the Phanatic and the Phillies for another great season, championship or no championship. Rest up, boys. We’ll see you again in April.