Home > General Posts > On Surprise Marriage Perks or My Wife the Road Rage Surrogate

On Surprise Marriage Perks or My Wife the Road Rage Surrogate

August 26th, 2009 1 comment
Bookmark and Share
Leslie Gives You the Wrong Finger

Yes, my wife actually (reluctantly) consented to me posting this photo of her not quite flipping the bird. Now that's love.

For better or worse? Check. Richer or poorer? Ditto. Sickness and/or health? Yeah, we’ve pretty much got that one down, too. These are basic tenets of marriage as most of us were raised to understand the institution. But in the nearly three years I’ve counted myself among the blissfully wed, I’ve occasionally encountered instances of my wife providing spousal benefits so completely unexpected and delightful that I’m left slack-jawed with gratitude and admiration. I’m sure I can’t be the only one. These rare and glorious moments catch you off-guard and remind you exactly why you chose the person you did to be your spouse. A shining example of this marital phenomenon occurs when Leslie and I are out taking a drive and and somebody cuts us off.

Now I’ve seen enough situation comedies to know how this scenario is supposed to work: Driver X swerves into my lane, causing me to slam on the brakes, blow a gasket and commence with the screaming, arm-flailing and general ballyhoo over the indignation perpetrated against me – nay, against all mankind – by Driver X. My wife sighs and rolls her eyes, and in the sitcom version of this scene, one of the sickeningly-cute kids in the back seat lets out a catch-phrase to the delight of the live studio audience (“There he goes again!” “Hahahahahaha.”). Cut to commercial…hey, it’s another one for Geico!

But in the real-life version, before I can even let the first two letters of a four-letter word out, let alone perform the necessary maneuvering to get a good arm flail on at 65mph, Leslie lets loose with a heart-warmingly venomous string of profanity that would make a sailor blush…but somehow it’s cute. Some wives cook big meals to show they care – and don’t get me wrong, Leslie is a terrific chef – but somehow I feel most loved by her when watching her shout obscenities at strangers on my behalf. I’m a lucky guy!

The effect of Leslie’s road rage surrogacy is threefold:

  1. She relieves my stress over Driver X’s terrible driving by channeling and releasing my road rage out the passenger-side window. Did you ever see The Green Mile, where Michael Clarke Duncan absorbed people’s diseases and coughed them up as a bunch of moth-looking things? It’s sorta like that, but with less magic and more f-bombs.
  2. Assuming I still have any hatred of my own to vent after she’s done, those feelings are instantly replaced by a crippling fear that I’m going to get my ass kicked by Driver X if he hears even half of the stuff Leslie said about him. I’ve had my life threatened by a crazy person at a red light before. I don’t need to relive the experience.
  3. Even if those first two effects don’t quell my anger, the sight of Leslie giving Driver X the finger surely will. For whatever reason, when Leslie’s really angry, she’s incapable of raising the correct finger; usually she puts up her ring finger. Watching Leslie make almost-obscene gestures at passing motorists really tickles my funny bone. By the time I stop laughing, I’m not angry anymore and Driver X is busy cutting people off 10 car lengths ahead of me. Crisis averted.

All of this is to say: I love you, Leslie, and thanks for doing your part to keep us safe on the highways. I raise my ring finger to you.

  1. Old podmate
    August 27th, 2009 at 14:26 | #1

    Love this. You two are great!

  1. No trackbacks yet.