Short Hiatus…Need a Good Brick?

April 27th, 2010 No comments
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Hi Readers,

There are only so many hours in the day, and between work and home, I can only devote so much time to churning out life-changing blog posts. The bad news is that I’m going to take about a month or so off from writing new posts on Three Little Fonzies. The good news is twofold:

  1. I’ve gone a straight month before without any new posts, so you are well conditioned for this self-imposed hiatus.
  2. You can help ease your TLF withdrawal by reading posts and watching videos at Brick is the New Black, my most recent interweb-type project.

See, I’ve been completely captivated by Ogilvy’s Search for the World’s Greatest Salesperson, and since there’s a free trip to Cannes hanging in the balance, I have to make the tough choice and focus all my efforts on one project. To be fair, if one of my loyal TLF readers is willing to send me to Cannes, I might just abandon the whole Brick thing and write some fantastic posts from the South of France. Just something to keep in mind.

I really do hope that you will check out what’s going on over at Brick is the New Black. You can also check out the project videos on YouTube, follow @buythisbrick on Twitter, or become a fan of the site on Facebook. And I promise, if the plan works and I end up going to Cannes, I’ll start up on Three Little Fonzies again in a big way – from France!

Conan on TBS: I Called It!

April 13th, 2010 No comments
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Not to brag, but this blog is the best there is, and I’m possibly psychic. If you will recall, when I declared Conan O’Brien Fonzie of the Week #18, I made the following observation:

The only question now seems to be which network will host CoCo’s triumphant return. FOX seems to be in the lead, if the rumors are to be believed, but I think that Conan might be best served by a cable network where he’ll have fewer restraints placed on him by the FCC. Sure, Jon Stewart never had as big an audience as Leno or Letterman, but it’s easy to make the case that he’s made a bigger impact on American culture, even with his smaller platform. The history books will elevate him higher than any Nielsen ratings ever could. Conan is great on network TV…how much greater could he be minus the red tape that comes with a broadcast network? It’s a question worth asking.

I wrote that post 3 months ago. So given yesterday’s announcement that Conan O’Brien’s new TV show will appear on TBS, I can only come to one of two conclusions:

A) I have the mystical ability to divine the future through my blogging. Just in case that’s true: I have a funny feeling I’m going to win the lottery next week. And also, I won’t ever go bald.


B) Conan O’Brien is secretly a big fan of the blog, and follows my every command. Just in case that’s true: I have a funny feeling Conan O’Brien is going to give me a kick-ass high-paying job on his new show. And also, I won’t ever go bald. (You can’t be too careful when it comes to losing your hair.)

Either way, it’s a very good day for Three Little Fonzies. And a good day for TV. I look forward to seeing your new show, Conan!

Fonzie of the Week #24: Bricks!

April 11th, 2010 No comments
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Let’s cut to the chase: bricks are inherently awesome. They’re unsung heroes who have stood the test of time as silent partners in a multitude of great human achievements including skyscrapers, majestic bridges, and delicious brick oven pizza. So in recognition of their outstanding contributions to human history, Bricks are the Fonzie of the Week.

But even more impressive than the grand historic monuments bricks have helped to create, a single red brick now has the power to send me on a free trip to Cannes. Seriously. Do me a favor, readers. Go to and check it out. (Runner up for this week’s Fonzie is apparently cross-promotion.) I’ve written plenty more about what makes bricks so great on that site, so I’ll save my breath here. Suffice it to say, I’m hoping to harness the awesome power of bricks in order to get a free French vacation. You can help. Go check it out now!

Oh, and I promise, next week’s Fonzie won’t be a sneaky advertisement for another one of my websites. And definitely not another right-winger like Sarah Palin. I know it was all an April Fools joke, but I still feel kinda icky about that one.

Fonzie of the Week #23: Our Next President, Sarah Palin

April 1st, 2010 No comments
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Patriots, it gives me great pleasure to declare that this week’s Fonzie – and this should come as a surprise to no one – is Our Next President, Sarah Palin. Oh, 2012, why aren’t you here yet so that President Palin (doesn’t that have a nice ring to it?) can usher in a new era of American prosperity! Readers, have you started thinking about what you’ll do when Sarah takes charge and begins laying the groundwork for our Lord and Savior’s triumphant return? (Because that “green job” you’ve been training for will be a thing of the past once we oust Comrade Obama.) Personally, I’m looking forward to a new life as a burly roughneck working on one of the hundreds of new American offshore drilling facilities. I’m gonna be ripped…drill baby drill!

Like all visionaries throughout history, Ms. Palin has been misunderstood and maligned in her time. But don’t you be fooled by the “gotcha” reporters, and watch out for that filthy “lamestream media” too. I’m not sure what the difference is just yet, but I’m confident that President Palin will explain, when I’m ready to understand.

I don’t get why these stupid libs don’t get that Sarah is poised to truly be the first post-partisan politician. The only sides in 2012 America will be Sarah’s Way or the Highway. And who would choose the Highway over Sarah’s folksy charm? Not me, that’s for sure! And that rugged individualism is precisely why she resigned her Governorship: “finishing terms” and “being a member of government” is just the sort of behavior that the old guard has been perpetrating for decades. She’s thinking outside the box! Similarly, I can’t wait until she declares herself President for Life in 2013. (“Leaving office at the end of your term” is just a typical Washington insider tactic. She’s way above all that.)

And have I mentioned yet that she’s a chick? That should keep the feminists happy. I mean, between the glasses and the moose huntin’, she’s practically a lesbian, am I right? But, you know…a pro-life lesbian with a husband and a gaggle of kids. The lesbian of the future! In President Palin’s America, even lesbians are going to aspire to be trophy wives. It’s what the Greatest Generation went to war for.

Congratulations on being Fonzie of the Week, President Palin! Now you’d better get moving. It’s only two years until you take over, and I’m sure you’ve got lots of preparations to make. What’s that? You’re already working on a reality show? Oh, you are just so radical. Is it 2012 yet?

APRIL FOOLS! APRIL FOOLS! I promise, it’s only a joke. Man, this seemed like a great idea when I sat down to write it, but now I just feel dirty. Happy April, readers. I’m going to go now so I can wash my mouth out with soap for saying such horrible horrible things.

Fonzie of the Week #22: A Google Search for “Joe Biden”

March 28th, 2010 No comments
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I found myself in quite a pickle when it came time to select this week’s Fonzie. Originally, I was going to bestow the honor on Google for standing up to China and finally ceasing to censor its search results to the world’s most populous country. It made sense. But then Vice President Joe Biden decided to one-up Rahm “Undersecretary of Go Fuck Yourself” Emanuel and let fly with the dirty words on live TV. In case you haven’t heard yet, Vice President Biden thought that passing the health care bill was a “big fucking deal.” I couldn’t agree more. What’s more, Biden thought he’d share this profound insight with President Obama on live TV. In front of a bank of microphones. In a room full of reporters. Hilarious, but also troubling, because how can I in good conscience not award our illustrious Vice President Fonzie of the Week after this latest spectacle? Even by Joe Biden standards, this is pretty ridonculous.

Fortunately, the creepy internet magic that allows Google to know what I want to search for before I do saved the day, and taught me that the solution was compromise: Google isn’t Fonzie of the Week, and neither is Joe Biden. A Google Search for “Joe Biden,” on the other hand, is Fonzie of the Week, because said search netted me some amazing results earlier this week. If you will look at the photo at the top of this post – a screenshot I took myself – you’ll see that searching for even a portion of Joe Biden’s name brought recommendations both unexpected and yet somehow totally expected. Google guessed (and correctly!) that I was more interested in Joe’s “f bomb” than I was in the man himself. Brilliant.

But if I may get serious for a moment, I actually think that Google and Vice President Biden shed light on a common theme this week, albeit in vastly different ways: freedom of expression. True, Google defended freedom of expression in a much classier way, but our esteemed Vice President also struck a blow for the first amendment – and in a way that probably means a lot more to your average smartass 17-year-old. And think: a bunch of those smartasses are going to be 18-year-old potential voters come November, who might just think fondly on Crazy Uncle Joe and vote Democrat, preserving the majority and possibly giving heath care reform a fighting chance at lasting more than a few months. Ah, Mr. Vice President: your secret plan is genius. I salute you.

Sadly, as I prepare to publish this post, searching for Joe Biden on Google brings less awesome and more predictable suggestions: first on the list is Mr. Biden himself, with his forehead jumping ahead 2 spots, from 5th to 3rd. And it seems that this most recent gaffe, like Google’s presence in China, is beginning its speedy descent into barely-remembered internet history. But I’m proud to say I was there, and that my blog will remember, the day that A Google Search for “Joe Biden” achieved its full potential. And that’s a big fucking deal.