Patriots, it gives me great pleasure to declare that this week’s Fonzie – and this should come as a surprise to no one – is Our Next President, Sarah Palin. Oh, 2012, why aren’t you here yet so that President Palin (doesn’t that have a nice ring to it?) can usher in a new era of American prosperity! Readers, have you started thinking about what you’ll do when Sarah takes charge and begins laying the groundwork for our Lord and Savior’s triumphant return? (Because that “green job” you’ve been training for will be a thing of the past once we oust Comrade Obama.) Personally, I’m looking forward to a new life as a burly roughneck working on one of the hundreds of new American offshore drilling facilities. I’m gonna be ripped…drill baby drill!
Like all visionaries throughout history, Ms. Palin has been misunderstood and maligned in her time. But don’t you be fooled by the “gotcha” reporters, and watch out for that filthy “lamestream media” too. I’m not sure what the difference is just yet, but I’m confident that President Palin will explain, when I’m ready to understand.
I don’t get why these stupid libs don’t get that Sarah is poised to truly be the first post-partisan politician. The only sides in 2012 America will be Sarah’s Way or the Highway. And who would choose the Highway over Sarah’s folksy charm? Not me, that’s for sure! And that rugged individualism is precisely why she resigned her Governorship: “finishing terms” and “being a member of government” is just the sort of behavior that the old guard has been perpetrating for decades. She’s thinking outside the box! Similarly, I can’t wait until she declares herself President for Life in 2013. (“Leaving office at the end of your term” is just a typical Washington insider tactic. She’s way above all that.)
And have I mentioned yet that she’s a chick? That should keep the feminists happy. I mean, between the glasses and the moose huntin’, she’s practically a lesbian, am I right? But, you know…a pro-life lesbian with a husband and a gaggle of kids. The lesbian of the future! In President Palin’s America, even lesbians are going to aspire to be trophy wives. It’s what the Greatest Generation went to war for.
Congratulations on being Fonzie of the Week, President Palin! Now you’d better get moving. It’s only two years until you take over, and I’m sure you’ve got lots of preparations to make. What’s that? You’re already working on a reality show? Oh, you are just so radical. Is it 2012 yet?
APRIL FOOLS! APRIL FOOLS! I promise, it’s only a joke. Man, this seemed like a great idea when I sat down to write it, but now I just feel dirty. Happy April, readers. I’m going to go now so I can wash my mouth out with soap for saying such horrible horrible things.